WASHINGTON — In what dermatologists are calling “the moistest case of projection ever documented,” President Donald Trump took a brief timeout from his busy schedule of applying bronzer with a paint roller to attack Bruce Springsteen’s appearance yesterday, referring to the rock legend as a “dried out prune” with “atrophied” skin.
The Leader of the Free World, whose own complexion has been classified by NASA as “the eighth wonder of the solar system,” apparently took issue with Springsteen’s suggestion that abandoning allies and embracing dictators might not be America’s proudest tradition.
“I find it deeply concerning when a musician known as ‘The Boss’ criticizes the man who thinks he’s everyone’s boss,” explained White House correspondent Melissa Chen. “The president spent most of the morning shouting ‘I’M THE ONLY BOSS’ at a Springsteen poster before dictating his response to an aide who was quietly updating their resume.”
Trump’s Truth Social tirade called Springsteen “highly overrated” and “not a talented guy,” a musical critique from the man whose own singing voice at rallies has caused nearby dogs to attempt suicide and whose greatest hit remains a reality TV catchphrase.
“Springsteen is ‘dumb as a rock,'” wrote the former steak salesman who once suggested that windmills cause cancer, demonstrating his renowned command of nuanced policy discussion. The President went on to suggest that the man who has sold out stadiums for five decades “KEEP HIS MOUTH SHUT,” apparently unaware of the irony.
Not satisfied with attacking just one musician more successful than his own son’s band, Trump then pivoted to Taylor Swift with the observation that she’s “no longer HOT,” a statement released coincidentally just minutes after his cardiologist recommended he avoid strong emotions.
Presidential historian Dr. Martin Goldberg noted: “Jefferson wrote the Declaration of Independence, Lincoln freed the slaves, and Trump… well, he tweets about which pop stars he finds attractive. It’s basically the same level of historical significance.”
At press time, White House staff were reportedly trying to prevent the President from declaring war on New Jersey by convincing him that it’s actually a tiny island off the coast of China that doesn’t contain any Springsteen fans.
